


Birds, bees, and storks, oh my!

by lanondolce



Category: SCP Foundation
Genre: Draven and 166 are best friends, Fluff and Humor, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28533465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanondolce/pseuds/lanondolce
Summary: Where do babies come from? The infamous question all children ask at some point. Draven and 166 are determined to find out.
Relationships: Dr. Alto Clef/Dr. Benjamin Kondraki, Dr. Benjamin Kondraki & Draven Kondraki, SCP-166 & Draven Kondraki
Comments: 19
Kudos: 54





	Birds, bees, and storks, oh my!

**Author's Note:**

> Foreword: for the sake of this fic making sense, this is an AU where 166 is around 8/9 years old (and so is Draven)

During her time in containment, 166 had made numerous requests. Staff had tried their best to please the young demigoddess whenever possible; however, one of her recent requests had proven rather difficult to fulfill.   
  


The little girl wanted a friend. 

Nobody questioned the reason why. Despite the fact the Foundation had done everything in it's power to make her life as comfortable as possible, nothing could change 166's solitude. Staff would occasionally stop by and make conversation with her, but there was only so much time they could spend with 166.  
But the demigoddess was very insistent on the matter. She wanted a friend, a confidante, somebody she could play games with and share her secrets with. So, the staff members did what they could, and eventually a suitable candidate for the role of 166's playmate was found: Draven Kondraki. 

After a long discussion with both father and son, all parties came to an agreement: Draven and 166 would exchange letters once a week. Draven was initially not made aware of 166's true nature, though the sharp boy did have a lot of questions of his own on the subject. Nonethless, his willingness to make new friends trumped his suspicions regarding the identity of the mysterious "166", and thus he dropped whatever questions he might've had.

But, as life had it, as the two's correspondences continued, a new problem arose: 166 and Draven were demanding to meet in person.

The two had ended up getting along well-far too well. Despite their poor grammar and lackluster handwriting (which was excusable, given their ages) they were still capable of writing pages upon pages of contents to one another. What they actually talked about would vary, but their bond was undeniable.

Eventually, the young girl's pleas became too hard for the staff to ignore, and they conceded: Draven and 166 would get to meet, face to face. 

A large number of measures and precautions had to be taken to ensure the two could meet and interact safely. Draven was informed of 166's true nature (which did nothing but confirm a number of his wildest suspicions), and under the watchful eye of the site director and numerous other researchers, the two best friends were finally allowed to meet in person.

At first, Draven had of course been taken aback by 166's appearance, despite the fact his father had told him what to expect. But his surprise quickly morphed into nonchalance, and in that way little children who are too old to fully comprehend discrimination unless they're taught, proceeded to play and run around with 166 as if she were any other human girl. 

Once they saw that everything had went well, and that nothing too catastrophic had happened, all the staff members breathed a collective sigh of relief. 

And thus began procedure 166-KD-1, aka "Playmate procedure". Once a month, for exactly three hours, Draven would be allowed inside 166's enclosure (once he had been dressed in the proper apparel, to guarantee no ill side effects on 166's behalf) and the two would get to socialize and interact however they pleased. It was said that, despite the harmless nature of the procedure, being chosen as the person tasked with removing Draven from 166's cell was one of the hardest and most heart-wrenching endeavors anyone in the Foundation could be assigned. 

It was under these circumstances that the infamous "Question" arose.

"-That's because she had kittens, Draven. And her belly was really big so she couldn't move well."

"Really?" Draven piped up, curious to hear more. His demigoddess friend was incredibly knowledgeable on everything regarding nature and animals, and he always enjoyed listening to whatever she had to say on the matter. 

"Yes! You know, when the mama cat and the papa cat mate, the mama cat gets pregnant and has babies. And when a mama is pregnant, her belly gets big because there's a bunch of little ones growing inside her."

"Wait, what did you say?"

166 furrowed her brows. "Her belly gets big, because of the babies."

"Yeah, I…got that…but what was that word you said? 'Mate'?"

166 was confused by her own friend's confusion. "Yes? And?"

"I don't get it. What does the word mean?"

To the best of her extent, 166 proceeded to explain to Draven what the concept of "mating" was. She wasn't very knowledgeable on the subject, but still definitely moreso than Draven was.

"Huh, that's weird. So babies are born after two animals mate."

"Yup!"

"That's not what my dad told me…"

166 cocked her head to the side. "What did he say?"

"He told me that, when a boy and a girl are very in love and really want a kid, they'll make a wish on a star. Then, an angel will hear that wish and plant a seed on a cloud. Then, when the seed is all grown up, it turns into a baby-then, the angel calls a stork, and the stork takes the baby to the mom and dad and leaves it under their doorstep!"

166 was attentive, eyes focused on her friend as he spoke. She crossed her arms and huffed.

"Well, that sounds weird"

"Does it?" Draven asked. He liked to believe that he had been born on a cloud.

"Yeah…but then again…" 166 took a moment to consider the possibilities "I don't know much about humans and people. So maybe that's just how human babies are born." 

"Hmm…" the cogs in his little head had begun turning. Something was fishy, and awfully smelly-this wouldn't have been the first time his father had lied to him about something, after all. 

A moment of silence passed.

Then, 166 beamed.

"Why don't we just ask a grown-up the next time we see one?"

Draven grinned and nodded "Alright!"

They were both determined to get to the bottom of this mystery.

* * *

  
They caught their first victim that very day; Dr Gerald, who was accompanied by a few guards and tasked with escorting Draven out of Foundation premises.

He knew something was up when the young boy wasn't crying and pleading as per usual. 

"Dr. Gerald, can I ask you a question?"

"…Sure, kiddo, go ahead."

"Where do babies come from? Human babies, I mean."

With his intelligence, and sharp split-second decision making skills combined, when put on the spot he was able to come up with "I don't know". 

* * *

Of course, both children were incredibly unsatisfied by this answer, and thus they returned to work.

166 had done her own research. She had asked a few of the doctors she spoke with on a regular basis-they all either avoided the question entirely, or came up with something far more outlandish than even Draven's stork story.

Draven had considered asking his dad, but seeing as he had lied to him once, he didn't see why he couldn't lie to him again. It was imperative he asked a different adult.

The following month, it was Dr. Bright and Dr. Glass' turn, as well as a few guards'. As soon as the door was opened and the hazmat-wearing staff members entered, Draven walked up to them.

"Dr. Bright, can I ask you a question?"

The man in question was currently in the body of a thirty-ish year old woman. Her brows raised. Dr. Glass turned around to look at them both.

"Of course, Draven. You can ask me anything- can't guarantee I can answer it, though."

She laughed. Glass couldn't discern the reason he felt a little uneasy.

"Where do human babies come from?" 166 chirped from behind him, eyes just as wide and curious as Draven's.

For a second, Bright said nothing. Then, her face split into a large, devious grin.

"Well, you see kiddos, here's how it-wait, Glass, c'mere-"

"W-what-? Me-?" 

She didn't wait for him to agree and dragged him by a sleeve until he was standing next to her "-You see, when a man and a woman, such as Glass and myself here-"

"Bright, I, I don't think this is appropriate for their ages-" 

"Oh, when are they meant to find out, then? It's something they oughta know. Anyways-you know the fundamental differences between men and women, right? The reproductive apparatuses-"

" _Bright_!"

A few of the guards had to cough and clear their throats to hold back their laughter.

"There's this thing that men have called the p-"

" _BRIGHT_ -!"

Dr. Glass managed to free himself of Bright's surprisingly strong grasp, and clamped a hand over the other researcher's mouth. It didn't do much except muffle her words, and the two soon started something akin to a wrestling match as Bright struggled to get Glass' hands and arms off of her, and Glass struggled to stop Bright from talking.

"…Say, is that what mating looks like?" Draven leaned over to whisper to 166. 166's description of the action, or rather set of actions, that the mysterious verb entailed, had been rather sparse. Probably since she wasn't sure what it was supposed to look like, either. 

"…I don't think so."

Eventually, Bright and Glass were separated and dragged away by the guards. That day, the higher ups came to a collective conclusion that, for the sake of children as a whole, Bright was to be kept far, far away from them. 

* * *

Victim number four: Dr. Light.

"Where do human babies come from?" Yet again, Draven asked.

"I…uhm…well, I…"

"Please just tell us, Dr. Light. We're tired of all the other grown-ups not telling us. We're going to find out the truth eventually, anyways!"

"Yeah!" 166 chimed in.

"Haha…I really…it's just…oh, why isn't Kondraki here-"

"Oh, come on, Dr. Light, just tell us!"

"Tell us, Dr. Light!"

"I-"

And it was at that very moment, that fortunately for some and very unfortunately for others, an alarm sounded throughout the whole site: 076-2 had breached containment. 

* * *

' _Today is the day_ '-Draven thought to himself-' _t_ _oday is the day, I will get answers! No matter who it is that walks through that door, I will make them answer me or else!'_

166 was just as determined as her friend. In these past few months, she had grown more and more exasperated. She would use all the tools she had at her disposal to finally get what she wanted! And sure, said tools were really just her puppy dog eyes, but hey, they had worked before.

When the person in question finally arrived, however, poor Draven was positively let down.

It was none other than his dear old dad.

"…Hello."

"Hey. I'm sorry, Draven, but you gotta go. Time's up."

Kondraki had heard from other staff members about how... inquisitive his son and the demigoddess had been as of late. He wondered, however, why Draven hadn't just come to him for answers-it kind of…it kind of bummed him out, really. Wasn't this the sort of thing that kids asked their parents? Why would he ask people he barely knew about it instead? 

Draven and 166 looked at each other, and then looked back at Kondraki. Seeing the boy's hesitance, 166 gathered up some of her own courage and spoke up herself.

"Dr. Kondraki, can I ask you a question?"

"…Yeah."

"Where do human babies come from?"

Kondraki sighed. He had been expecting this the moment he set a foot inside the cell. The guards standing beside him snickered, as it had basically become routine, but he shot them an ugly glare. It shut them up.

"Well…I guess there's no use in-yeah, better just tell it like it is..." Kondraki scratched the back of his head.

Draven's frown deepened. So his dad had lied to him again?

"Okay, so, basically…" he had rehearsed this before. He knew that he'd have to give the whole "birds and the bees" talk sooner or later. He just hadn't expected to give it under these specific circumstances, but hey, he guessed it could have also been worse.

As best as he could, Kondraki proceeded to describe sex in a manner that was easily digestible for kids, be they human or otherwise. He was surprised to find, however, that his son's expression was far from the one of slight confusion that he had been expecting, and more like that of a young Sherlock who had finally found the missing puzzle piece.

"So! Humans mate as well after all!"

"…Mate?" The word, coming out of his young son's mouth, left Kondraki feeling unsettled, queasy even.

"Yeah! 166 told me all about it."

…So he knew what it was after all?

His speech, the months he practiced in front of the mirror and all the pep talks had been for nothing?

"Well, since we know that now-Dr. Kondraki, can you also tell as how exactly mating works? What does it look like?"

It was 166's turn to speak. Kondraki nearly choked on his spit.

"It- _fu_ -…dge. Kids, why are you going on about something like this, who told you?"

"Nobody did! We just want to know."

"Yup, we want to know."

Kondraki looked at the both of them, feeling lost and helpless. He sighed again, and put his face in his hands. He _really_ didn't want to have this sort of conversation, and he didn't know what kind of answer would've satisfied them and got them to stop asking questions. 

Looks like he hadn't been as prepared as he thought after all.

"It…uh…making love-please call it that-it, well, uh…" Kondraki started flailing his hands about, not unlike an amateur Italian storyteller would. He kept tripping over his sentences, and was unable to finish a single one.

However, by some means, based solely on his father's broken words and articulated, awkward hand gestures, in a flash of genius, Draven came to a sudden conclusion.

"Ah! So _that's_ what you and Dr. Clef had been doing that night!"

At this, the room fell into a silence so deafening, you could hear a spider trip and fall. 

"W…huh? Me and Clef _what_?"

"Yeah, it was really dark out, but I had to get up to go to the bathroom and I kept hearing these weird noises coming from your bedroom, I had no clue what was going but I thought I heard somebody screaming in pain, so I went over to check and I saw you and Clef in bed together, and I couldn't tell what was going on, he looked like he was in a lot of pain but then I forgot to ask you about it-anyways, dad, why would you even m-…make love with Clef? Isn't he another man? Two men can't have children-or can they?"

At this, the guards were absolutely not able contain themselves, and burst into howling fits of laughter. Kondraki just stared at his son in a mixture of shame and horror, the tips of his ears glowing red. 166 and Draven were on the other hand just confused.

As embarrassed as he was, Kondraki managed to half-ass an explanation: about how sex wasn't just something you did for the sake of procreating, but also as a way to bond with somebody. He made sure to highlight that it was not something you did with just anybody, but with someone who was special to you. This of course led to the inevitable question -does that mean Clef is somebody special to you?

In the end, the kids received answers they deemed somewhat satisfactory, and once Draven had been sent home, the guards immediately rushed to tell everyone they knew about what had just taken place. In less than half an hour, the whole site was abuzz with discussions and rumors on the infamous duo, mainly regarding their sex life-which many up until that point hadn't even known was a thing in the first place.

Needless to say, Kondraki was in a foul mood the whole day. He hoped to God no one informed Clef of the incident, but when his phone rang and the name on the screen read "cleffles", he realized that wish of his had been far too naive.

**Author's Note:**

> I suddenly had a thought, that thought inspired more thoughts and I was compelled to finish this entire thing in one sitting. Yup
> 
> Anyways, speaking of thoughts, I've been thinking a lot about Draven and 166 lately!! They're so cute when paired together as friends/a troublemaking duo sjskdkf. I wanna write more w them as the focal point. Also because sometimes, I just wanna write tooth rotting flluff 
> 
> I also realize that given 166's catholic education, she probably would be as clueless as Draven on the subject of babies buuuut let's pretend she's more nature spirit-y/spiritualistic in this au and knows about these sorts of things cause they're normal for animals to know ajsjsjdkd


End file.
